People Don't Know Me...

When you have mental health issues, it seems there are always others who do not understand - even those who also suffer from their own mental health problems and you therefore think they will be more understanding - they are not (or are too busy thinking about their own mental health to consider yours too... ?)  There are family members who suffer with anxiety and some with depression and some with both - they do usually go hand in hand in one way or another.  I suffer more with anxiety but this can lead me into dark places sometimes when the anxiety plays me up or when things 'go wrong'.

I have a family social gathering planned for tomorrow.  I gave the details out weeks ago: the time, the occasion (there isn't really an occasion other than to get together and play a few games for a bit of fun), venue (at mine) and that I'd only be providing snacks so to please eat before they arrive (I have a large family and not a large house plus I don't want to spend all evening in the kitchen.  It also gets expensive to feed all and it is just a get together). 

So yesterday, one of my sister's messages me to ask me to add some steak to the shopping list (that she will pay for this and cook it at mine so that I don't have to) so I said that I wasn't really having an eating gathering, more just games and nibbles.  She said that she didn't want to eat too early so that was why she wanted to cook at mine as her eating time would be after she arrived here.  I felt mean for saying no and she is now pissed off with me.  This has made me feel sad for most of the day - I have been crying and genuinely feel sad, not just because she wants to cook and I don't want her to - I am aware of how petty and really quite ridiculous that all sounds...... 

The reason that I said 'no' to the cooking is that I have a real issue with raw meat (amongst other issues....) and I just want a stress free, no major clean up task after everyone has left, kind of an evening.  I want to enjoy the night and relax too.  You see, when raw meat is being handled by someone else, although I can be in the same room as the meat, I don't like to be too close (I don't buy from butchers for this reason alone and feel anxious if I do step foot into one - crazy I know).  If someone in my kitchen is preparing/cooking raw meat, I either hover over them watching all that they touch because that way I can 1) clean everything that might have come close to where they have been or 2) know where the safe areas are and be able to reassure myself that the whole kitchen doesn't now require a deep clean according to Felicity and her OCD....  A deep clean can take hours for me to feel relaxed and 'safe again' so if I can avoid doing this, I will....  Even if the other person cooking, cleans up after themselves, it still won't 'feel' clean to me and I'll have to do it all again anyway.  It is much safer if I either just do all the cooking myself or people just don't eat!!!  Bloody hell I'm so weird but because I know that I am weird, does that make me less weird?!?  I like to think so.....

Logic doesn't come into it....  It's not logical by any means, however, I thought that my sister understood my anxieties and that I am, a really, really, kind, nice person who goes out of her way to please others even at my detriment.  I don't like the idea of upsetting anyone or for them to think badly of me so when someone doesn't like what I do, it gets me.  It makes me sad.  It makes me feel bad.  It makes me anxious.  It makes me worry.  It makes me a bit 'abnormal'.....  My sister has anxieties too, although different ones to me, I just thought that she'd be a bit more accepting I suppose.  She is a kind person too (although she can be a bit scary when you upset her...?)  And then I question myself, what if she is being cross with me because of her own anxieties - then I am the bad one for not being understanding....  I am also aware that for an outsider, looking in, this is all utter nonsense and really no issue at all.  This however, does not help the situation and logic and anxiety do not go together - EVER....

Any suggestions truly welcome.....